One Hazy Night
by defying3reason
Summary: Piper gets taken advantage of under the influence of Ivy's pollen. He goes to some friends to figure out what happened. In this chapter: Harley gets set up for a blind date.
1. Chapter 1

**One Hazy Night**

Piper walked up the overgrown path to the animal shelter that was currently home to Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, and most recently, the Trickster (after James' resurrection, he and Catwoman had hooked up and fallen into some semblance of a relationship-with the understanding that she would leave him at the drop of a cowl for Batman, and that she shouldn't ask too many questions about his friendship with Piper). Thankfully this time all the yard's vegetation behaved. Piper still felt better once an excited Harley Quinn (but when wasn't she excited?) ushered him inside.

"Hey everybody, Ratguy's here again!"

"Selina and Poison Ivy are both in, right?" Piper asked. He was going to leave and come back later if that wasn't the case. Harley nodded, and Piper resolved to continue.

Quinn skipped down the hall and brought him to a large sitting room where Ivy was going through botany journals at a massive desk, while Selina and James cuddled up on a sofa watching Youtube videos. Piper winced sympathetically; James was prone to forcing unsuspecting acquaintances through internet video marathons without telling them, just flashing his big blue puppy eyes and saying "Just one more? You'll really love the next one. I can't belive you haven't seen it already!"

"Hey Piper!" James greeted. Selina took advantage of his divided attention to hastily shut the laptop, confirming Piper's suspicion about her voluntary participation.

Heh. Speaking of voluntary...

Piper nodded at James, then crossed the room to where Ivy was just getting up to go get a highlighter. Piper smiled at her. "Hello Ivy." Then he punched her in the face.

She staggered backwards and fell into the desk, sending her papers flying into disarray on the floor. She glared at him, then lunged, and was restrained through the combined efforts of James and Harley, while Selina rushed forward and pleaded with Ivy not to kill Piper.

Which was why he'd wanted Catwoman present (James and Harley were a pleasant bonus). She had a knack for dealing with unstable costumes, and was eventually able to get Ivy to agree not to kill him (and the vines that had started creeping out of corners of the room retreated).

"Piper, what the hell was that about!" James yelled.

Piper exploded. "Because of her and her stupid sex pollen, _I had sex with Batman last night_!"

Everyone froze, with the same incredulous wide eyed stare, then slowly turned to look at Selina. With much effort, they all slowly turned to look back at Piper.

"So, uh, who topped?" James asked. Selina hit him. "Ow! What, I had to ask!"

"It's none of your damn business!" Piper snapped back, but the surreptuous rub he gave his rear answered that question.

Catwoman's face had gone bright red. She chewed on her lip for a second, and then all but fled the room.

"Kitty, it's okay! You're sleeping with another guy too!" Harley reminded her, running out of the room after Selina to attempt to console her.

Poison Ivy frowned. "What exactly happened? How did you expose yourself to the pollen?"

"I was on my way here for a visit anyway, and I stumbled across a super villain wannabe terrorizing some poor small business owner, so I went after him-"

"Why?" Ivy interrupted, confused.

"Hart still thinks the heroes are gonna let him back into their club if he's altruistic enough," James answered.

Piper glared at them. "I defended the innocent civilian because it was the right thing to do!"

Ivy cocked her head to the side, considering his motivation as though he'd been speaking a foreign language that she needed to decipher.

"Anyway, he ran towards the park, and when I followed him-"

"Guys! Kitty's not upset! She's laughing!" Harley bounced back into the room.

"What? This is funny to her?" Piper snapped.

The three of them followed Harley into the kitchen, where Selina was holding her hands over her mouth, trying to control her giggles. She immediately calmed when she saw the hurt look on Piper's face.

"Oh, Hartley, I'm sorry. It's not funny exactly, it's just..." She bit back a smile. "Batman developed an antidote and full immunity to Ivy's pollens and powders years ago. If that actually was Batman you were with last night, the only reason he would have slept with you was if he wanted to."

That brought another round of wide eyed incredulous stares, and then surreptuous looks at Piper, who was now blushing furiously.

Ivy cleared her throat before speaking next. "Er, that does sound about right. I haven't been able to get so much as a momentary swoon out of him in years."

Harley squealed, clapping her hands to her cheeks. "Ratguy, does Batman have a crush on you? That's so cute!"

Selina laughed. "Harley, I really don't think that's it. Piper, did you see this supposed Batman without his cowl?"

"I think so...things got a little hazy after a certain point though. I don't remember parts of it very well at all."

Catwoman considered for a second, trying to come up with a way to identify the man without actually letting the others know Batman's secret identity. "Did he have a scar...here?" She ran one finger along the inside of her upper thigh, worryingly close to the location of particularly important anatomy on a male. Piper shook his head. She smirked. "It wasn't him then. I gave him that one."

Piper paled. "Oh God. Who did I have sex with then? I need to go get a blood test."

"Honey, you probably shoulda done that even if it was him," Harley pointed out.

"Wait, finish telling us what happened," James said. "You chased a bad guy into the park..."

"And got too close to one of my private greenhouses and set off a trap," Ivy finished, talking over Piper as though it were obvious.

"Er, yes. The amateur criminal didn't get hit with the pollen, and while I was choking on the stuff he slipped off. I heard him get hit with a batarang and tied to a lightpost just down the path though, and then the supposed Batman came over to investigate, got hit with the pollen and, um..."

"Ya made sweet music together?" Harley finished. James and Selina each whapped her across a different pigtail. "Ow."

"And he had batarangs? Real ones?" Selina asked.

Piper nodded. "I'm still not entirely sure it wasn't him. The suit, the belt, the gear...it all seemed legit. Although come to think of it, up close he wasn't as tall or beefy as I'd thought. I mean, he was still muscular, just not..."

Selina's eyes widened in the manner of epiphany. "Built a little more like James?" She asked. She flipped up his shirt for emphasis.

"Hey-whoa-hey! Ask first next time!" James yelped, as the others crowded around to inspect his tight tummy. He took his shirt off and they looked at his arms too.

"Yes..." Piper slowly murmured.

"So he was built like an acrobat," Selina said with a grin. "I think I know exactly who this other Batman was."

"Who?" Harley asked. Selina and Ivy rolled their eyes and scowled. Harley brightened with realization. "Oh!"

"Hey, the Gotham non-natives are still a little confused here," James whined.

"The real Batman was out of commission for a little while recently, and one of the other heroes filled in for him," Selina explained. "After Batman got back, the other one stayed on, and they're working different cities now. Piper, you didn't sleep with Batman, you slept with Nightwing."

"Oh!"

James let out a low whistle. "Nice."

Ivy rolled her eyes. "If the gossip's accurate, it's not _hard_."

"Still though, nice."

"Selina, is, um...is he also immune to Ivy's pollens?" Piper asked.

Selina frowned. "I'm not sure. I never asked, but I assume Batman would have shared the antidotes with him." She turned to Ivy. "Thoughts?"

"Never noticed. I haven't tangled with junior nearly as often."

Piper chewed his lip thoughtfully for a second, then reached into his pocket, grabbed a paper and pen, scribbled something down and handed it to Selina. "Can you give him my number?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Even though his costume had a good amount of bright, primary coloring, Robin still wasn't the easiest Gotham crime fighter to pick out from a rooftop. Selina was surprised when she found him first.

She gracefully flipped across fire escapes and overhangs until she landed lightly next to him. "Hello Robin."

The glare from that domino mask had no business coming from a child in those colors. She still remembered when Grayson had shown up as the first Robin (though it was difficult to reconcile the memory of the child with the man he'd grown up into, not least of which because it made her feel old). Damian Wayne was far too surly for that costume.

"Is Batman around?"

"Of course," the kid snapped icily. Selina crossed her arms over her chest, prepared to fight petulance with petulance.

"I'd like to talk to him. Batman the _younger_, if you please."

"I'm not a secretary."

"Well, if you'd kindly tell me where he is, I'll go find him myself and be out of your hair. If not, I can amuse myself chatting with you as though you were a secretary, okay _sweetheart_?"

He scowled. "I don't accept those terms." And then the little beast grappled away.

Selina was saved the necessity of following after him by Grayson dropping down next to her.

"Trying to trap the new kid almost never works. Hey Selina. What's up?"

"Just delivering a message." She handed him the folded slip of paper Piper had given her earlier in the week. "A friend of mine asked me to give you this."

He glanced down at the paper casually, then stared at it in amazement. "Oh…he told you about that?"

"Yes he did. He was rather confused and distressed about the whole thing until I helped him puzzle out who he'd actually had sex with. Don't give me any looks, I didn't reveal anybody's identity!" Though how those boys had kept their identities as secret as they had was beyond her.

"Good." He slid the slip of paper into a compartment of his utility belt.

"Are you going to call him?" Selina pressed.

"Possibly."

"That's cute, but cut the evasive bullshit. Hartley's a friend of mine-" Well…a friend of James', and that was close enough. "_If_ you call him, you're going to be on your best, most gentlemanly behavior."

The asshole had the audacity to smirk. "Or what?"

"If you want to play relationship head games with the people in my life, don't think I won't play back in kind with someone in yours."

Dick scowled. "For the record, I did tell him to go for it with you. If he'd listen to me, you'd actually be in a real relationship."

"And instead I'm in a position to toy with him." And now that she had a backup boyfriend of sorts, she was mostly emotionally equipped to do so without getting jerked around herself.

"Look, I'm not planning on playing games with Piper."

"Good. Keep it that way." Deciding that was as good a parting shot as any, she leapt off the rooftop and disappeared into the night.

* * *

><p>"So what did Father's tart want with you?"<p>

"You should be nicer about Selina. She's the most decent of your dad's girlfriends."

"Yes, well, I'm the product of the machinations of the next nearest competition, so I know how little that's saying. Now answer my question."

Dick glanced down at the crabby ten year old. "Make me."

"Sometimes I can't believe I see you as an authority figure."

"I know, right?"

Then Damian unexpectedly swiped Dick's legs out from under him and pinned him to the floor of the Bunker. "By the way Grayson, I _can_ make you."

Dick broke the hold and, with some graceful flips, was looking at him from the other end of the Bunker. "You're certainly welcome to try."

From there they devolved into something that was almost tag, mostly sparring, and definitely more play than training. Damian caught Dick several times, but never managed to hold him for more than a few seconds; certainly never long enough to properly threaten him.

Dick was glad he'd managed to change out of the suit and into sweats before this started. He still wasn't very good at flipping around in the heavy costume. He wondered sometimes if there was a way to make a Batsuit that was light and easy to move in like the Nightwing costume, but still badass. Probably not.

Since neither of them were willing to quit and 'lose', they only stopped when Alfred came down to complain. Since Damian blatantly didn't want to get his answer in front of the butler, Dick 'won'.

The two trudged upstairs, went their separate ways, and Dick dropped onto his bed to contemplate his meeting with Catwoman in peace. He took the scrap of paper from his pocket and fiddled with it, thinking.

Then Damian jumped him (the little brat must have snuck in and hidden himself behind the dresser), tackled him to the ground, and landed victorious with the bed between them, paper in hand. "A-ha! What is this?" He looked it over, some confusion on his face. "Is father's tryst propositioning you too?"

"Give that back!" Dick yelled, sincerely annoyed and regressing to the maturity level of a ten year old involved in a game of keep-away in the process. He dove for Damian and missed by at least a yard. Chalk that up to anger and impatience.

Damian smirked at him. "This isn't Kyle's handwriting. So whose is it?"

"None of your damn business!" he lunged again and missed again, but by less this time.

"Want me to do a little detective work then? I'll make it a training exercise-"

"The hell you will!" Closer again. Damian was getting sloppier now that he was examining the note for clues.

"It's written on the back of a receipt from a music store in Keystone City, so no one local." Damian lightly leapt away again, getting closer to the door. Dick did not want him going down to the computer to look this up. "Handwriting's rather masculine considering the phone number implies he's propositioning you."

"Yeah, that is odd, isn't it?" Dick snapped, going for the door. Damian got there first, and their chase went into the hallway.

Damian started to shout another taunt over his shoulder, but stopped when he ran into his father. He bounced off of Bruce and landed on the floor with a groan, the little slip of paper falling into the air. Bruce snatched it, read it, then fixed Dick with a disappointed gaze.

"You're not going to actually call this man, are you?"

"Who? Who is it?" Damian asked. The adults ignored him.

"I…I don't know," Dick said hesitantly. The disappointed frown deepened. Well really, like _he_ had any right to judge.

Bruce pocketed the paper, signifying an end to the conversation, then turned to regard Damian. "I know it's late, but I was hoping to talk to you."

"Alright Father. You're not going to tell me anything about the paper, are you?"

Bruce sighed. "It's Dick's business." He fixed Dick with another heavy gaze, and he stiffened indignantly as though he were about Damian's age and had been caught doing something wrong. "Don't call him."

"Okay Bruce. You just made up my mind."

Dick went back into his room while the father and son left for their heart to heart, or lecture, or guilt trip, or whatever the hell else Bruce had planned. He grabbed a duffel bag from his closet, then hopped out the window, deciding he needed to have another chat with Catwoman.

Bruce _had_ made up his mind, after all.


	3. Chapter 3

Bruce sat down with Damian in the kitchen. The boy sat across from him with his hands folded on the table, respectfully waiting for him to begin the conversation. Somehow, someday, he'd teach the brash youth to extend that respect beyond the small handful of people he'd deemed worthy (for the moment though, he'd content himself with being among Damian's 'chosen').

"I was looking through your file in the computer, and I noticed it's been updated in my absence," Bruce began.

"It was incomplete. I filled it in," Damian responded defensively.

"Well, thank you. I'd noticed you listed two dates of birth for yourself. Why is that?"

Damian frowned thoughtfully. "I wasn't sure if I should consider the day the program to create me initiated as my date of birth, or the date I attained the size and brain capacity of a normal newborn infant."

"I think the latter would be more conventional for celebratory purposes. The first one's a bit more like conception."

"Celebratory purposes?" Of course Damian would zero in on what Bruce was really getting at.

Bruce sighed. "By that reckoning, you're turning eleven next month. Would you like a party?"

"Certainly not. I don't need a party."

"I didn't ask if you _needed_ one, I asked if you'd _like_ one. Damian, your socialization's been mostly neglected. I think a few activities beyond what's required of you would be healthy."

"Grayson put you up to this, didn't he?" Damian accused, crossing his arms defiantly. "This positively reeks of him."

"Yes, he did," Bruce readily agreed, regretting his decision to use transparency with his son. Damian answered with a haughty sneer. "And I think he's right. He knows a fair bit more about healthy social interactions than either of us-"

"And he's still not exactly normal, now is he? I think I function fine without frivolous emotional entanglements."

"Alright then."

"Is that all?" Damian asked, rising to leave.

"It is."

"Goodnight Father."

"Goodnight Damian." Bruce nodded at him as he left.

'Surprise party it is then,' Bruce decided. He could always start the full transparency later.

* * *

><p>The first floor of the animal shelter smelled wonderful. Even though Ivy acquired most of her sustenance from sun and water at this point, she did occasionally eat food as a sort of social obligation. The rich smell of coffee, pancakes, and perfectly cooked bacon wafting from the kitchen had even her cynical mouth watering.<p>

Still, she had places to be, and the company in this building wasn't worth the inessential nourishment. She passed through the sitting room on the way to the front door and paused.

Harley was sprawled on the sofa, fully awake and in a sulk well before noon. That very much wasn't in her character. In fact, it didn't bode well for any of them for the bubbly blond to be, well, _not_ bubbly.

"Something wrong Harl?" Ivy finally asked, deciding she could be a little late for the job she didn't need.

"No," Harley pouted.

"Okay then. I guess I'll get going-"

"Wait! I mean yeah, yeah! Something's wrong."

It was child's play, getting this one to talk.

Ivy sat down across from her and daintily crossed her legs, causing the impractically short suit skirt she was wearing to ride up. Harley's eyes didn't move from the ceiling, and Ivy felt a little insulted. Part of the reason she let Harley spend time with her was because she enjoyed the attention. Manipulating people sexually, though fun and easy, wasn't necessarily satisfying. Harley was one of the few people (if not the only person) who actively participated enough to earn the label of partner.

Well now they were both in bad moods.

"So what is it?" Ivy snapped.

Harley sniffled like she might start crying. "Stripes cooked Kitty a big romantic breakfast, and he, and he put it on a fancy schmancy tray with a little bud vase, and he-"

"He didn't lay hands on one of my flowers for an idiotic gesture, did he?" Ivy interrupted.

"No, he used plastic cuz of you. See? He's thoughtful. He anticipates things."

"So?"

"He really cares about her…" Harley whined. "And I'm _jealous_! Stripes is always following Kitty around and doing things for her and asking her about her feelings, and he doesn't even want her to rob anybody or anything! He just likes her! It ain't fair."

Ivy snorted. "I think he's making a pathetic spectacle of himself."

"Yeah…it's love," Harley sighed dreamily.

Ivy shook her head. "I'll never understand why you cling to that kind of sentimentality. Haven't you had enough life experiences to reinforce how terribly it weakens you?"

"Sometimes it's kinda nice to be vulnerable to someone you love. I just picked wrong. I think Stripes might've picked wrong too."

Hm, she really _was_ jealous then. That was interesting. "Harley, you're not craving a monogamous relationship again, are you?"

"Maybe…"

"_Bad things_ happen when you try that," Ivy cautioned.

"I know," Harley pouted. "A little romance would be nice though."

Ivy abruptly stood, deciding she'd rather be at work. "Mind your limits Harl. You never do 'a little' anything." With that parting shot, she left Harley to her brooding.

* * *

><p>Harley stayed in the living room for another ten minutes or so, but sitting in the dark sulking by herself when no one was going to notice her melodramatic display quickly lost its appeal. She bounced off of the couch and skipped off to the guest room, where Piper was staying for the duration of his visit.<p>

She rapped on the door. "Hey Ratguy, wake up!"

After a few minutes of continued noise, Piper opened the door with a half-lidded, groggy glare.

"Hiya!" Harley grinned. "I'm lonely. Ya wanna hang out and play some video games?"

He shut the door in her face.

"You coulda said no! Grumpy Gus."

With an adorable pout, she headed back downstairs. When she passed by Selina and James' room she managed to overhear the sounds of creative love making ("Oh…oh yeah, hey, ow!" "Quit being such a whiny bitch Jesse. Now bite down on this." "Yes m'am!").

"Nnn…" Jealous-jealous-jealous.

Then there was a knock on the front door. Startled for a second, Harley skipped off to answer it. She unthinkingly flung the door wide open. "Heya-_eep_!" She slammed it shut again.

Batman was on the stoop.

"OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!" She took a deep breath, then peeked through the little window in the top of the door. Yep, definitely Batman.

Wait, he was laughing. Cautiously, she opened the door, but kept the chain on (for all the good that would do). "Are you the grim old meany who dangles people in front of moving cars or the nice one?"

"The nice one?" He asked, in a voice that had the barest hint of gruffness to it.

"Well, the not-so-scary one, anyway," Harley said after a pause for thought. Deciding that he was the not-so-scary one, she undid the chain and let him in.

Batman frowned, and the forced-gruff disappeared from his voice entirely. "Dammit! I've been doing this for _months_ now and the best I can get is not-so-scary? Do I really suck that bad at being Batman?"

"I'd take it as a compliment," Harley said. "So what are ya here for?"

"Is Catwoman here?"

"She's…occupied. Can I take a message?"

"Is she going to be finished with whatever she's doing soon?" Batman pressed.

"I doubt it. They've got food in there this time. Plus Stripes has been lasting longer and longer every time."

"Wait, what? Who's St-never mind. I don't want to know."

"Can I help you with anything?"

"Only if you can get me in touch with the Pied Piper," Batman said sarcastically.

"Oh, you don't need Kitty for that! Hey, RATGUY! BATMAN'S HERE FOR YA!" Harley yelled up the stairs.

They both heard the sounds of thuds, bangs, and a piece of furniture being knocked over echoing through the cavernous house. There was a mini-rat exodus when Piper opened the door to yell back. "Which one?"

"The not-so-scary one!"

"Just a minute!"

It was actually quite a few minutes, leaving Harley and Batman to stand awkwardly in the hall.

"So…"

"Mm hm."

"Oh! So how'd ja know Kitty lived here anyway?" Harley asked. He gave her a _look_. "Well you didn't seem as freakishly obsessive and controlling as the scary Batman!"

"It's not obsessive to keep tabs on the unstable costumes in the city I'm supposed to protect."

"Does that include heroes too?" Harley returned. "You guys ain't exactly models of mental health. I may not have much of it, but I know what it looks like."

Batman smirked. "I know where the heroes are too."

"Okay then."

"Is Piper living here too now?"

"Nope, just visiting."

"Oh. Stripes is the Trickster, isn't he?" Batman said, putting that together. "Hm, that's not actually a bad mental image…"

"See, Scary-Batman would never say something like that," Harley pointed out.

"I know. He'd be dangling Trickster from a roof."

"Well that's stupid of him, considering he ain't exactly romancing Miss Kitty himself! If he's not gonna man up and be a real boyfriend, he shouldn't get all huffy because someone else is!"

Batman looked confused. "So Catwoman and Trickster are in a relationship? Like a _real_ one?"

"Uh…I dunno. Kinda. Hey, are you here to ask Ratguy out?"

He was saved the necessity of answering by Piper's arrival. He looked much more awake than he'd been when Harley had tried seeking him out for company, but it was obvious he'd dressed in a hurry (for starters he was wearing a sweatshirt without a shirt under it and mismatched socks).

"Hi."

"Hello Piper."

"Well, I'm sure I can make myself scarce. You kids have fun now!" Harley cheerfully waved at them, then trotted off to give them their privacy. She went back to her bedroom, snagged a stuffed animal, and sobbed her eyes out cuddling it to her face. "Even _Batman's_ better at dating than I am!"


	4. Chapter 4

Downstairs, things weren't going quite as smoothly as Harley's imagination would have her believe.

"So…"

"So…"

"Yep."

"Um…"

"Uh…"

After a few minutes of this awkwardness, Piper thought of something substantive to say. "You're really Nightwing, right? Not the, um, scowly and glare-y one?"

He did answer with a scowl, but there was some amusement there too. "Thanks for not calling me the not-so-scary Batman. God, I hope that doesn't stick."

"I don't think Harley has that much influence in the villain community. Oh, oh! So you know, I'm not actually a super villain."

"Piper, the Keystone Flash is my best friend. _I know_."

"Well _he_ doesn't."

"Touche. That's him being thick though. Look…about the other night-"

"We don't, um, need to talk about that, do we?" Piper asked, looking a bit uncomfortable.

"I think we should. Catwoman said you were bothered by what happened. Maybe I'm missing something here, but that doesn't quite fit with giving me your number. Piper? Are you okay?"

"Sorry, it's just…a bit weird talking to you when you're wearing that." He'd kind of been picturing Nightwing when he'd asked Selina to hand off his number, having had a bit of a crush on the younger hero for years. Keeping polite eye contact with the Batman cowl was difficult. The mental associations with Nightwing and Batman were pretty different creatures.

Batman laughed, which was kind of a surreal sight. "The suit is designed to intimidate, don't worry about it. I just, well, I can't show up here without a mask. Or a cowl, in this case."

Piper chewed his lip. "That's probably going to be an issue, isn't it? I don't have a secret identity. I'm not used to thinking about these things."

"Hm. Okay, I've got an idea. Meet me tomorrow night on the corner of Adams and O'Neil, let's say ten-ish?"

"I can do that."

"Great." He flashed a smile that was all Nightwing, and Piper responded with a less-than-suave giddy expression. "Oh, uh…one more thing. Can you give me your number again?"

"Sure." Piper searched out another scrap of paper and a pen. "Why?"

"Oh, Batman confiscated it. Piper, are you okay?"

He'd just tripped over a footstool and was rubbing his shin. "Fine! Absolutely fine. Yeah, so Batman has my number? The scary one?"

"Y-yes. Uh…sorry."

"It's okay! I don't mind at all. It's fine!" It really wasn't. "I'm going to stop talking now." Which was for the best. His voice had taken on a kindergarten-teacheresque quality for some ungodly reason.

"Okay. Well, see you tomorrow night, I guess."

"Y-yeah. Sounds good."

Batman started walking towards the door, Piper awkwardly following after to see him out. When they got to the door Batman hesitated for a moment.

'Please don't ask me any weird questions, please don't ask me any weird questions,' Piper repeated as an inner mantra. He was surprised then when Batman pulled him close for a kiss. Piper's eyes widened in shock and then fluttered shut.

But damn, that boy could kiss.

When he pulled back, Batman was smirking again. "It looks like we're on the same page then."

"H-huh?"

"I asked you on a date," Batman clarified.

Oh, right. The phone number could just have been about a hookup. Dazedly, Piper nodded. "Right, yeah, a date."

"Bye Hartley. I'm looking forward to tomorrow."

"Bye."

* * *

><p>Bruce studied the computer screen for a moment before recording his notes. "Moon bounces appear to be the preferred attraction in parties held at the home by a wide margin. Pony rides also popular, but do not appear to be either age or gender appropriate for subject."<p>

The moon bounce seemed like a safe bet, but he still couldn't tell if Damian would like it. Well, maybe the guests would use it.

Damn, that was another obstacle. He was having a difficult time figuring out who to invite to this thing.

Bruce tapped his fingers against the console for a moment, thinking. He decided a consulting opinion was necessary.

Fine, he'd call the Kryptonian.

It was interesting, he thought, that whenever he needed Clark's help with something to do with human relationships, he mentally referred to him as the Kryptonian. Because the _alien_ actually understood human relationships better than he did.

It's not that he was bitter, just...amused. In an intellectual sort of way.

Just for fun, he made things sound urgent. Clark was in the Cave in under a minute, in full costume, looking around wildly for danger (no doubt using multiple types of vision).

Clark finally scowled. "I was having dinner with Conner and Ma."

"Sorry," Bruce said, not sounding it at all. "I do need help though."

"Is that a youtube video of a pony ride?" Clark asked, looking at the computer monitor. Bruce hastily closed the window.

"Ignore that. I need your help planning a birthday party for my son. You had a relatively normal upbringing. What do eleven year olds do at birthdays besides presents and cake?"

"Not pony rides," Clark said with a smile.

"I'd already ruled that out."

"Okay, good. Let's see…when I turned eleven we just invited some friends from school over to the farm. Ma baked a cake and cooked a nice dinner, Pa gave us full use of the stereo-"

"Who'd you invite?"

"_My friends_," Clark repeated.

Bruce considered. "And if the child doesn't have friends?"

Clark gaped at him. "Are you serious? Please tell me you're joking."

"Well, I haven't observed any friendly behavior from Damian. He likes Dick well enough, but that seems to be about it."

"Don't you think that's kind of sad?"

"No," Bruce said. "When I was his age, I only really talked to Alfred-"

"You were traumatized though! And you probably should have been in grief counseling…but we don't need to talk about that. We should talk about Damian," Clark said. Bruce glared at him a moment longer before accepting the return to their original subject.

"Damian's had little opportunity for socialization thus far. The party's an attempt to correct that. And you're not being nearly as helpful as I'd expected."

"Sorry, sorry."

Bruce pulled up the file with his tentative guest list. It read as follows:

Me

Dick

Alfred

Tim (?)

West family (age appropriate children)

The Kryptonian and guest

Teen Titans (age appropriate?)

"Does Black Canary still have that adoptive child?" Bruce asked.

"Ollie set Sin up with a safe foster family before the wedding. You don't remember that? Dinah was really upset at first," Clark reminded him.

Bruce rubbed at his eyes. He was seriously looking at the possibility of hosting a birthday party with almost no young people at it. "There really should be more children in our social circle."

"Yeah, I'll see what I can do about that," Clark answered. Never mind the fact that there hadn't exactly been a dearth of children in the super hero community, it was just a matter of finding _surviving_ children…

"Leave the sarcasm for the less cheerful Clark."

He sighed. "Did Damian mention anything about who he wanted at the party? The kids do often make their own guest lists you know."

"Damian didn't want a party. This is a surprise project."

"Oh, Bruce…this might not be such a good idea."

Bruce answered with a steely glare. "He's _getting_ a birthday party. I'm going to provide at least one normal childhood experience to counter all the emotional damage his mother burdened him with."

"Okay, okay. So let's just put the guest list on the backburner for now and think about activities instead. What did you have in mind?"

"Well, I was thinking about having a moon bounce…"

* * *

><p>While Ivy was on her way home from work, she passed by a florist. Normally she forcibly ignored those death merchants. Buying potted plants, she could get behind. Something beautiful you could nurture as a symbol of your affection, that made sense. But flowers that were actively dying? Really, what did that say about love?<p>

Still though, Harley, like most people, thought of them as a romantic gesture. And Harley was in need of an emotional pick-me-up, lest her mood lead her down another dark path of regrettable choices.

Ivy came much closer to buying a bouquet of flowers than she ever had before, but she still couldn't bring herself to do it.

There were other stores in the neighborhood. Something else was bound to be romantic.

* * *

><p>Selina walked into the living room with a mug of coffee and a contented smile on her face. She was in a fantastic mood, up until she spied Harley sitting on the sofa, avidly reading something on an open laptop and typing a response. That was almost never a good thing.<p>

Harley was so distracted by her online activity that she didn't even notice Selina standing behind the couch reading over her shoulder until she commented. "You're setting up an online dating profile?"

"You and Ivy said that I can't be trusted to pick out my own dates, so I found a solution. This site says they only hook you up with the most compatible-"

"Harley, if they're actually compatible with you, that's still worrying."

"Oh yeah…"

Selina sat down across from her and took a sip of her coffee. "Why are you looking for a date anyway? I'd thought you and Ivy had rekindled your relationship."

Harley laughed. "Ivy's great and all, but she's just a gal-pal that I have sex with. It's not the same thing as being in love."

"Oh, I see."

"What about you and Stripes?" Harley asked.

Selina frowned. "What about us? What do you mean?"

"Well are ya really dating him or what? The rest of us are curious."

"Ivy barely noticed him move in. I don't think anyone else cares," Selina said, then started, noticing how much Harley really did seem to care. Hm, she really was getting fixated over this relationship thing. Maybe she'd ask James if he had any straight friends he could set Harley up with.

"You didn't answer my question Kitty," Harley pointed out.

Selina took another sip of coffee as a stall, because really, she _couldn't_ answer the question, even for herself. She liked James well enough, but her heart was elsewhere and they both knew it. However, they also both knew where his was...and that was probably going to be a problem somewhere down the line.

And there sat Harley, impatiently awaiting an answer. Selina decided she was best off diverting Harley to another subject. "Hey Harl, would you be interested in doubling sometime with me and James?"

At first Selina couldn't tell if her distraction had worked, since Harley went quiet and her eyes widened. Then she exploded into a loud squeal of delight, endangering her laptop as she flung it off her lap to bounce over to Selina and give her a tight squeeze of a hug.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five:**

"So…you're going on a date with Batman."

"Yep."

"Hm." James walked up to Piper, who disturbingly enough seemed to be getting a fashion consultation from his rats in preparation for his date. A line of rodents were gathered on his dresser, either bobbing their heads enthusiastically or twitching their whiskers with disapproval as Piper held up green shirts of various hues.

This made James' query somewhat redundant, but he still grabbed Piper's shoulders for a shake and yelled at him. "Are you insane?"

"James, cut it out!"

"Reformed or not, anyone with criminal in their job history should not date _Batman_!"

"Tell that to your girlfriend," Piper returned. James scowled at the highly valid point. "Besides, it's not a date with the scary one."

"Nope. It's the scary one's surrogate son. That's loads better," James snapped. "This is gonna end with you dangling from a streetlamp outside the GCPD building."

"Maybe. Or it'll end in really hot sex. I'm hoping for the latter. After all, I was drugged last time. I'm sure it'll be better with a clear head." Piper held up a sweater that got unanimous approval from the plague bags. He turned towards James. "What do you think of this color?"

The temptation was of course to point out that Piper should not let rats pick out his clothes…except that they'd done a good job. That particular shade of green suited Piper really well. To his own amazement, James nodded his approval and Piper happily changed into the sweater.

"Whoa. Still haven't put on that much weight since when we were on the run, huh?" James couldn't help but observe, being treated to the first sight of Piper's sickeningly thin frame without a shirt.

Piper's face reddened. "It's a good thing the sweater's baggy then."

"I don't think it's supposed to be."

"Let it go James."

"I could do that. But I'd much rather make you waffles. Yeah, and cupcakes, and smoothies…hell, I could just shovel Crisco down your throat."

Wow. That glare was almost worthy of the scary Batman.

"I'm about to leave for a date with someone who is not only younger and prettier than me, but also tantalizingly flexible and kinky. Can you _not_ point out my state of yellowed and gaunt malnourishment?"

"But why are you so malnourished? Since I've been res'd, things have calmed down loads. Aren't you back to normal now?"

And then James was thrown bodily from the guest room, the door slamming shut and locking behind him. He was about to force entry when Selina skulked by him dangling a Victoria's Secret bag from her wrist.

Goodbye brain.

"Hey Pretty Ki-oof!"

She yanked him into their room and slammed and locked the door.

* * *

><p>It may very well have been possible for James to spend the rest of his life tied to Selina's headboard and be one hundred percent okay with it. But damn, that had been fun. He was going to be sore later (okay, he was kind of sore now), but it was worth it.<p>

Sadly, Selina untied the silk scarves symbolically holding her willing captive in place. James didn't really mind though, since he got a wrist massage out of the deal, and then a sated Kitty curled up next to him, trailing one of the scarves over his chest.

"James…"

"Mm?"

The conman in him should have had a problem with that wheedling purr of a tone. But Selina had just killed that wary conman side of James but good with sex.

"James, I need you to do me a little favor."

No one ever pressed you to agree to a favor without telling you want it was up front unless it was really, really awful. But Selina had James in the palm of her hand (so to speak), and he found himself giving enthusiastic approval. Of course he'd do anything for her.

Later that night, when he was wracking his brains for a straight male acquaintance to hook up with _Harley fucking Quinn_, he decided he needed to work on his immunity to the lovely Catwoman's beguiling charms.

* * *

><p>In anticipation of her upcoming blind date, Harley went out shopping and treated herself to half a new wardrobe. While she was hauling in her first round of bags, a trail of red and black gummy bears caught her eye.<p>

"Oooh!" She left the bags in the entryway and bent down to pick up the candies. The trail brought her to her bedroom, where she found rose scented candles burning, while a CD of romantic instrumentals quietly set the mood.

Ivy was posed seductively on the bed, wearing a few carefully placed leaves and flower petals. The bed had been cleared of all stuffed animals, and Harley's brand new hot pink zebra print bedding had been replaced by a much classier forest green.

"Hello darling," Ivy purred.

Harley excitedly threw her uneaten gummies in the air and tackle-hugged her lover with a squeal of delight.

* * *

><p>Piper glumly trudged back into the animal shelter a mere forty five minutes after he'd left. While he was still locking the front door behind him, Harley ran through the room giggling. She was wearing a lacy bra and panty set, carrying a bottle of wine and a couple of glasses.<p>

"Hiya Ratguy!" She trilled, before running up the stairs.

Well that didn't help his mood any.

He passed Selina in a similar state of undress as he was walking up to the guest room. She stopped to wave at him, a satisfied smile on her face. There were teeth marks on her cleavage.

Great, just great. Everyone had gotten laid but him, and he'd had _plans_ dammit!

"Everything alright Hartley?" Selina asked, noticing his mood.

"Oh yeah, friggin' peachy," He snapped before stalking off.

He was on the bed with his face down on the pillow when Selina shoved James into the room.

"Ow! Hey, c'mon Selina, whaddya want me to do?"

"He's your friend James! Fix it!" With that she slammed the door again.

"It's okay James, you can leave," Piper said, voice heavily muffled by the pillow.

"No I can't, for I am far too whipped. So what happened?"

Piper sat up, then blinked. James was wearing striped blue and yellow boxers and fluffy lime green slippers. "I think you've found a new category beyond whipped. Would you like to borrow some clothes?"

"Yes please."

Once James was dressed he repeated his query. Sighing, Piper fished a piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to James. It had a bat symbol at the top.

"He didn't even show up. And look, no attempt to make new plans. He just blew me off!"

"It says a family thing came up though," James pointed out. "From what Selina says, that's probably legit. The Bats are always having issues with each other."

"He could have called. He has my number."

"Maybe he wanted to show off the Bat stationary?"

"Eh. Whatever, I'm over it. It would have been fun, but I've been doing fine alone. Besides, now there's no reason for the scary Batman to come after me."

James frowned. "Hart, I don't think this is him trying to get rid of you. He's probably going to call you."

"Come on James, do you really think that's likely?" Piper asked.

"Well yeah, I kinda do."

"Look, he probably just realized trying to date me was more hassle than it's worth. There's the secret identity business, the fact that his friends think I'm evil, and by now he's had enough time to do a background check on me and realize how little I have to offer a relationship at the moment. But I swear I'm okay."

His eyes didn't look it, but James decided to let him drop it. For now, anyway.

"So how was your night?" Piper asked. "Better than mine, I take it?"

James scowled. "Kinda. Selina played me but good. She wants me to fix Harley up with one of my friends."

"Oh. Did you explain that that's not happening?"

"She made me promise to help before she told me what she wanted."

Piper stared at him. "How'd she-"

"Silk scarves, headboard, spiked heels and a whip."

"Lord you're pathetic."

"And how many stupid team ups did I con you into before you realized I was straight?"

"I was twenty one. That's totally different!" Piper blurted defensively.

"Ah huh."

"Well those idiotic teamups only ended in jail time when Iron Heights was still soft. I've never had to fix the Joker's exgirlfriend up for a blind date," Piper gloated.

James melodramatically fell back onto the bed, an anguished look on his face. "I really gotta do it too. I _am_ that whipped. Piper, you're the only friend I've got left and you're far too gay to be any use. What am I gonna do?"

It was actually a relief that James wasn't asking him to go despite his sexual orientation. The man did look pretty desperate. "It' is quite the mess." Piper thought for a moment. "Is there a former friend you hate least that you could mend fences with?"

"Danny, but I can never find him. Plus he's a hero. He'd never go on a date with Harley, no matter how much he likes blondes."

"Alright, who else?"

James chewed his lip thoughtfully. "If Sam weren't all dead he'd be a good choice. Or Roy. Wouldn't he click with Harley?"

"However…"

"Right, too dead. Okay, let's focus on the living…argh! This isn't working! Wait, Harley goes both ways! Do I know any lesbians?"

"Maybe another angle then. Do you know anyone who'd actually want to date Harley Quinn?"

James scowled. "You mean do I know anyone desperate enough for a date that they'd forget about the Joker?" Oh, wait…


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six:**

Meanwhile, Dick was crouched between two gargoyles, trying to finish a text message that he'd been composing on and off for the past two hours (it was hard to thumb-type with the bulky Batman gloves). He got another full word in before Damian finished with the mugger he was concussing, and he had to snap the phone shut and hide it in his utility belt.

"Are you going to help at all tonight?" Damian snapped.

"Do you need it? You barely broke a sweat on that group."

"I know, but I figured you were here to serve some kind of purpose. If you don't want to help, you should just leave. The city's pretty quiet tonight."

Yes, it very much was, which meant that Dick's date _would_ have gone on without interruptions, had he been able to go. Stupid friggin' Bruce and his timing.

Dick had spent most of the day avoiding Bruce and Damian, hoping to sneak out as close as possible to his appointed meeting time with Piper. As he was running for the Bunker to grab his mask and a bag of clothes, Bruce had materialized from the shadows as was his habit and asked Dick for a favor.

"Just keep Damian occupied for the night. I need to interview a few DJs, and then Clark's coming over to help me work on the party activities."

"But Bruce, I…" Have no legitimate excuse not to. At least, not an excuse that would seem legitimate to Bruce. "Yeah, sure."

Bruce fixed him with that deductive look that Dick absolutely did not want to see while he was kinda-sorta seeing someone behind his ex-guardian's back. "Are you…you know what, I'd rather not know. Before you leave, do you mind giving me your opinion on piñatas?"

Dick snorted. "Well if the rest of the party goes to hell, giving Damian a stick and telling him to whack something harmless can only help, right?"

Bruce nodded. "Alright, that's actually what I was thinking."

"How many activities are you up to?"

"Other than the music, which implies dancing, I've decided on piñata and moon bounce. Do you think that's enough yet?"

Dick shrugged.

"I'll ask the Kryptonian. Have a good patrol."

"Yeah, bye."

So Dick had suited up, headed out, and met up with Damian where he'd been intending to meet Piper. He managed to scribble off a note for Piper without Damian seeing, but that was the best he could manage. Wally had always made it sound like Piper was a chill guy. He'd understand…right?

* * *

><p>Morning at the animal shelter found James in the kitchen, happily whistling The Merry Go Round Broke Down as he cooked pancakes for the pseudo-criminals in residence. Selina strolled in and started setting the table, taking note of his good mood. He'd been stressed out over her favor request the last time she'd seen him.<p>

"Did you find Harley a date already?"

"Yep. Piper helped me figure something out. I called the guy last night and loaned him the cash to fly in from Keystone. Impressed?"

Selina walked up to him and kissed his cheek. "Of course I knew you could do it. Fixing up my friend should be nothing compared to talking your way out of Neron's grasp, right?"

"For the thousandth time, I did not exaggerate! I legit saved the world from him twice."

"Sure you did sweetheart." She patted his head and went back to setting the table.

"Why doesn't anyone ever believe me?"

In truth, Selina did believe James (it wasn't like the heroes were great at sharing credit), she just thought he looked cute when he pouted.

"So who did you fix Harley up with?" Selina asked. James mumbled a name under his breath. Feeling a pang of uneasiness, Selina set the last plate down rather more forcefully than she'd intended and fixed James' back with a _look_. "Sorry hon, didn't quite catch that."

"Uh…Len Snart."

She quirked an eyebrow. "And that is…?"

"…Captain Cold."

"Captain Cold?"

"Yeah. Hey, he's a pretty decent guy, okay? Other than a little bit of weirdness recently, I was friends with the guy for ages and-"

"Just so I'm thinking of the right crook here," Selina started, feeling distinctly annoyed with her pseudo-boyfriend, "Captain Cold is the loser in the fur trimmed blue parka with the faux 3D glasses, right?"

"…Yeah. But, y'know, fashion sense aside-"

"Isn't he a little old for Harley?"

"That's your biggest problem with this?" James asked, turning off the burner and turning around to face her. "I think if anything, he's a little too sane for her."

Selina held up her hands. "This is on you, okay, I am trusting your judgment here. I mean, I don't actually know Snart, but from what I have heard, he's not remotely compatible with Harley."

"You said to fix her up for a date, not to find her a long term relationship! And come on, it's kinda hard to find someone willing to go out with the Joker's ex!"

"Excuse me." The fighting couple both snapped their heads towards the doorway, where Poison Ivy was glaring at them with her arms crossed over her ample bosom. "Harley is upstairs, sated and content, rendering your little scheme useless. _I_ took care of it."

"Len's already on his way. He'll be here in time for dinner tonight," James spoke up.

Selina pinched the bridge of her nose. "Look, we'll just let Harley decide. That's fair, isn't it?"

Ivy threw another glare at the both of them before storming out of the room.

"Hey, hey! Selina!"

"What?"

"You wanna go tell her this was your idea?" James snapped. "You know, since you coerced me into fixing up Ivy's girlfriend!"

"Ivy and Harley aren't dating, they're just sleeping together."

"Well I think she's green with more than chlorophyll this morning," James snapped.

Selina snorted. "She's not jealous. Ivy isn't capable of emotions other than anger and…variations on anger."

"She looked jealous to me, now go and take the blame please. She likes you more than me. I do not wanna be on the receiving end of that woman's wrath ever again if I can avoid it." James waved his spatula towards the doorway. Selina didn't move an inch, continuing to glare at him.

"Fine! You know what, I am taking my pancakes and hiding out with Piper. Let me know when Len gets here, because I am _not_ coming down again until it's time to go to dinner."

"Alright James, fine. Throw your little tantrum."

"Alright, I will!"

* * *

><p>"I don't think Ivy's going to <em>kill<em> you. She knows it would annoy Selina."

"You know you really suck at reassuring people," James whined.

"If you wanted reassurances before noon then you should have arrived with coffee," Piper returned. He rubbed at his eyes again and stole another bite from James' plate of pancakes.

"So'd you hear from the not-so-scary Batman yet?" James asked.

"He sent me a really confusing text around four am. Something about Robin-sitting for a party. Anyway, I called him and we talked for a little bit. He's going to come by tonight, hopefully while you're all out on your date and Ivy's still at work."

"See, told you he was still interested."

Piper shrugged off the 'told-you-so' and took another bite of pancakes. "Mm, seems to be the case. Damned if I can figure out why though."

"Because you're made of awesome?" James suggested. Piper rolled his eyes. "No, really. I'm so glad we've got this bromance thing going on. I don't really have any decent friends other than you. It's nice to have someone I can depend on."

"Well thank you. Likewise, I guess. I mean, I'd thought I had Wally, but…"

"Yeah."

Piper's phone started vibrating. He got up from the bed to grab it from the dresser while James finished off the rest of the pancakes. "Not-so-scary Batman?" James asked.

"Yep. Okay, I'm having a real hard time figuring out what he's trying to say here. I can't tell if he's got a really bad auto-finish or if he's just in a hurry."

"What'd he say?" James asked.

"'BMan wants take Robinout gota avoid meet u now?'"

"I think that means he's coming over now."

Piper swallowed. "Yeah, I think that's what that means too. Shit. Okay, you can keep hiding in here while I shower."

"Kay. Don't worry Hart, me and the rats'll pick you out something cute to wear," James teased. Piper grabbed an armful of hygiene products and ran for the bathroom at the end of the hall.

James lounged on the bed a moment longer before getting up to look at Piper's clothes, then did a double take when he saw the rats taking pieces of an outfit down from the closet while another group made the bed. James stepped back to watch, and once the bed was made the rats carefully laid out a hunter green dress shirt, nice jeans, and nudged a pair of shoes to the foot of the bed. They then deposited socks in the shoes and laid a hair brush on the pillow.

James shook his head, but decided he was better off not thinking about it too much.

* * *

><p>Dick made sure to wear his Nightwing costume to the animal shelter this time. Piper seemed more comfortable for it, based on the smile he greeted Dick with when he let him into the "house".<p>

"Hey Piper. Sorry about last night."

"It's alright, don't worry about it," Piper said quickly. "What was the family business? Anything interesting?"

"Yes…you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I probably shouldn't get into it just yet," Dick said, noticing Piper's expression grow guarded. Dick stroked the side of Piper's face, forcing him to look at him. "Hey, Piper, it's not you…it's our location right now, okay? This place is housing Bat-family nemeses, remember?"

"Right, sorry."

"It's okay. So…" It was a little early in the day for flirtatious crime fighting and kinky roof sex, which had been Dick's idea for last night's date. However, it was move the date up, or be roped into taking Damian clothes shopping for the party he wasn't supposed to know about. And considering Damian was almost as perceptive as his father, Dick had happily left that chore to Alfred (and really, he did feel _a little_ bad about it, but it was still better Alfred than him). "So what did you want to do?" Dick asked, using his best sultry smile and enjoying the visible swoon he was getting from his companion.

"The honest answer? You," Piper said.

Dick grinned. He could work with that. Piper closed the distance between them for a kiss that was hot, passionate, and made Dick very happy he'd worn the Nightwing costume (which was incidentally much easier to get out of than the Bat-suit).

"Oh, scuse me," James said, turning bright red and blocking the part of the hallway Dick and Piper were making out in from view with his hand. He continued towards the kitchen with his plate while they continued ignoring him in favor of enthusiastic gropes and kisses. "For the record, you do have a room."

"Care to show me to this room?" Dick asked. Piper grabbed his hand and started tugging him towards the stairs.

Sighing in relief, James moved his hand from his eyes, since he no longer had to protect himself from the icky-gay stuff (which he totally was not even a little curious about peeking at...), and that's when the three of them were hit with a cloud of glittery sex pollen.

Ivy smirked in a very self satisfied fashion from where she was lurking under the stairs. If James wanted to play tricks with her romantic life, she could return the favor. And if her trick happened to involve three gorgeous men, weaponized aphrodisiacs and a webcam, well, that just showed how practical minded she was with her pranks.

She couldn't wait to show Harley and Selina the movie.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven:**

When Piper came to his senses again, he was in a room of the massive house he'd never seen before (someplace dark that smelled musty), with only vague memories of moving from the hallway. He was in a sticky, sweaty pile of man, with Nightwing draped over his chest and James under him, giving him a one armed hug. Both of his companions were _out_…and mostly naked.

Well this was going to be awkward. Since James considered himself straight and all.

Piper tried to edge away without waking either of them up, but since he was the filling of the sandwich (and as it was a sticky sandwich), that wasn't to be. James' reaction was to hug harder, burying his face in Piper's neck and clearly resisting the tug to wakefulness, while Nightwing shifted so that he could see Piper's face.

"Damn. Am I ever going to sleep with you without being drugged?"

"I hope so. I am willing, you know."

"Got that," He said with a grin. "I don't know why Ivy felt the need to-there's someone else in bed with us, isn't there? Not that I'd really call this thing a bed…" They were on an old mattress that smelled like mold, but the mattress smell was mostly overpowered by musk and the sweet fragrance of Ivy's pollen, which was still sticking to their skin, giving the three of them a glittery sheen.

"Yep." Piper shifted a little bit so Nightwing could see the blond plastered to his back. "This is my friend James, and when he wakes up he's going to freak the fuck out. Wee bit homophobic. Mostly it's the annoying but not hateful kind of homophobia that results in bad jokes, but when he's under a lot of stress or he feels like his own masculinity is being questioned he can get nasty."

"Right. Well I think I'd best find my tights…where are we?"

"Dunno, but I'd guess most of our clothes are in the hall. At least you still have your mask." Piper sat up on his elbows and James fell against the mattress with a dull thump. He let out a loud snore, then rolled onto his side and fell back asleep. "I have to say, you're taking this rather well."

"Weirder shit's happened. Besides, I have a tendency to compartmentalize. If I freak out, it's going to be later. Looks like we're in a storage area. I'd guess basement." Nightwing got up and poked his head out the doorway. "Yep, basement, and they do their laundry down here." He went out into the main area of the basement and when he came back he was wearing an obnoxious zebra printed pink sheet like a toga. "I'll be right back with our clothes."

"Kay."

As soon as Nightwing was gone, Piper rolled over and poked James. "I know you're awake."

"I'd really rather not be."

"James, it's okay. You were drugged, it doesn't make you gay."

"…sorry I ruined your date."

"Don't worry about it." He didn't want to say this, because he valued his friendship with James and was sure his true feelings would end said friendship, but actually he couldn't say he was sorry to have had a three way with two gorgeous acrobats. If anything, he was sorry that he couldn't remember it in vivid detail.

Piper touched a hand to his lips and bit back a sigh. From what he did remember…_damn_ but James could kiss. He'd spent rather a lot of time kissing Piper, almost like he'd meant it. Anyway, that's what Piper remembered the most of from this encounter.

He was interrupted from his musings by having his clothes tossed on his lap. James' clothes landed on his chest. "Hallway?" Piper asked.

"Some. Actually, most of James' were in the kitchen, and your underpants were on the back doorknob." Nightwing was fully dressed already. He tossed them each a wet cloth, then sat down at the end of the mattress and waited for his companions to be presentable again.

James glared at the both of them. "You made me gay."

Piper buried his face in his hands and tried not to scream. "We didn't make you gay James, you were under the influence of a powerful aphrodisiac! It doesn't count! Your sexuality is still based on however you feel."

"No Hart, you don't get it. I've been trying not to be turned on by this shit for years because, well…it's just not cool. But now that I've got parts of what we just did burned into my mind I don't think my denial's going to function ever again." James turned to look at Nightwing. "You are god damn amazing in bed."

"Why thank you." Nightwing grinned. "From what I remember, you're not so bad yourself."

Piper gaped at them. "Wait, you're not accusing us of turning you gay as part of a homophobic and paranoid rant, you actually mean it?"

"Well yeah. I dunno…" James ran a hand through his hair, looking uncomfortable, but certainly rational.

Then he grabbed Piper, and kissed him with a tenderness Piper had never suspected him capable of. This time, there was no doubt in Piper's mind James meant it. "I kinda fell in love with you awhile ago. I'm just having a hard time dealing with the part where that means I'm gay."

"Hey hey whoa hey, wait a second." Nightwing touched Piper's shoulder, and he reluctantly turned from the startlingly serious blue eyes holding him in place to look at the whited out lenses of a domino mask. "Hartley, I thought _we_ were going to start something." Nightwing turned a quick glare on James before regarding Piper with a mix of desperation and fondness. "I really like you…and I'm completely comfortable with how that means I'm bisexual."

"Yeah, well I've known him longer, and no one knows him better. You guys are practically strangers so you're just responding to sex," James said triumphantly. "There's no way you've got the connection me and Hart have, so there."

"We may still be getting to know each other, but Piper's not exactly a stranger to me," Nightwing returned. "It's been a few years, but we used to bump into each other all the time at the Flash's," Here Nightwing switched focus from James back to Piper, "And I spent one of his parties flirting it up with you for pretty much the whole night before I realized you were with that architect."

Piper blinked at him. "I would have remembered that. I had such a crush on you back then-"

"It was in my civilian identity. He's friends with Wally too." Nightwing sent another glare James' way . "And considering we asked each other out first, I think I have a pretty decent stake in this. Plus I'm not currently dating Catwoman."

James grabbed Piper's hand, pleading with him with his eyes. "I do care about Selina, but _I love you_. I'll dump her in a second if there's any chance of you returning my feelings. Come on Piper, you've gotta feel this too. We've been through too much together."

"Hartley, please, we've barely spent any time feeding the chemistry we both feel," Nightwing said, taking Piper's other hand.

"I…I…can't honestly believe this is happening," Piper finally exclaimed, pulling back from the both of them. "I was having a dry spell! What the-where were the gorgeous charming acrobats before?"

"We're here now, so could you kindly pick?" James asked. "Long time friend who loves you like crazy or skanky Bat-brat who really is just crazy?"

"Mm, because the man who's _finally_ admitting to himself that he's actually attracted to men after decades barricading himself in the closet, hurting you with homophobic barbs in the process, really sounds like a winner to me," Nightwing returned. They both glared at each other.

Piper jumped up and started walking towards the doorway. "I really need to sleep on this one, so I'm gonna…not be here for a little while." He threw an apologetic look over his shoulder. "S-sorry."

"Take all the time you need," Nightwing and James said together, then resumed trying to kill each other with their eyes.

* * *

><p>"This is the last warning you're gonna get Jai! If you don't shut off that game and go to bed, tomorrow morning I'm giving every video game you have to Bart!"<p>

"But Dad, I'm soooo close to leveling up."

"I don't care! Go to bed! You were supposed to be in bed over an hour ago!"

"Can't I play to a save point?"

Wally smacked a hand to his forehead. The last time he'd naively agreed to the seemingly reasonably request, unaware that the next save point was over an hour of gameplay away. "If you don't shut that thing off and go to sleep I'll-I'll…I'll call Batman!"

"No you won't, you're too scared of him," Jai said dismissively. Which was true. Wally was one of the _many_ full grown men afraid of Bruce when he was rocking the cowl. The fact that that threat failed to work on his eight year old meant Jai West was either ridiculously brave or a sociopath.

"Go to bed, or I promise you right now, I'll call Batman and he'll grapple you to the bed!" 'Don't-call-my-bluff-don't-call-my-bluff-don't-call-my-bluff-'

"Sure Dad. Whatever you say," Jai responded dully, now almost fully absorbed in his video game.

"Okay, I'm going to get my JL communicator, so I can call Batman…" Wally threatened, which had no visible effect on Jai.

Dammit, Irey had gone to bed right at nine. Brushed her teeth, put on her PJs, and given Wally a kiss goodnight, all without complaint. How was Irey so good at bedtime and Jai so terrible? They were twins! They'd always had the same rules!

Wally decided to go down to the kitchen to regroup, and did a double-take when he found Bruce standing by the fridge in full costume. He was looking at the various family photos, badly drawn crayon pictures, and souvenir magnets that had accumulated on the surface.

"Oh my God, it's like Beetlejuice. Say your name too many times and you show up!"

Bruce looked at him inquisitively.

"Er…nevermind. Hey, I was just using you as an empty threat to get my son to go to bed. While you're here, d'ya mind poking your head in and giving him a mild threatening?"

"I do this to scare criminals, not children."

"Jai's been acting like a brat all day. He's done things that are the kid version of criminal, like convincing his sister she doesn't have a soul because she's a ginger. Does that count?"

"Is something wrong?"

"Not really. Linda's away visiting family, and I'm starting to realize that the kids don't see me as a disciplinarian. They think they can get away with more…and it's kinda working."

"Ah. Fine, I'll be right back."

Bruce went upstairs, and a moment later there was a startled cry of "Holy cow, he really called you!" Shortly thereafter, Bruce returned.

"He's in bed, and he promised to clean his room tomorrow. You're welcome."

"Thanks, I totally owe you."

"If that's the case, I could actually use a few favors."

'Crap.' "Okay, what's up?"

Bruce handed him an envelope of heavy cream cardstock. "I'm having a surprise birthday party for my son. As you're the only person I know with living children Damian's age, I'd like you and your family to attend."

Oh. That wasn't so bad. In fact, a birthday party at a billionaire's house was probably even fun (Bruce may have been scary as hell, but he faked the billionaire playboy thing really well-he was totally capable of pretending to be fun). "Cool, yeah, we'd love to. So wait, why's it a surprise party? The kids kinda expect to have parties at this age."

Bruce ignored him. "I'd also like you to tell me everything you know about the Pied Piper."

"Piper?" Wally repeated, startled. "Sorry Bruce, I kinda fell outta touch with him, what with how crazy things have been. I'm not sure if I can help you."

"I'm sure you can. A past history will be fine, now talk."

"Is he in trouble?" Wally distinctly did not like the expression on Bruce's face at his query. He liked the answer even less.

"Not yet."

* * *

><p>"So let me get this straight…you drugged my boyfriend, forcing him to have sex with two other men against his will, and you think I want to watch a video of the results?"<p>

"Your eyes are on the screen," Harley pointed out.

Selina scowled. "And neither of you are at all bothered by the fact that we've known one of the men in question since he was a child? That we essentially watched him grow up?"

"With how developed those abs are? Not in the least," Ivy returned. "And Harley does have a point. You _are_ watching. You may as well sit down and quit judging us."

It was just so hard to look away. The movie was _really_ hot…

Still feeling conflicted, Selina sat down next to Harley and helped herself to some chips.

"Way to go Kitty!" Harley smiled approvingly, then looked back at the screen. "Hey Red, rewind willya? I missed how they got Stripes' pants on the light fixture!"

"Excessive zeal and flexible toes," Ivy answered dryly, refusing to rewind. "That is one lithe man you've gotten Selina. It's a shame we can't all make use of James' redeeming attributes, since we all have to put up with the rest of him."

Selina scowled. "If you respected my relationship with James, you wouldn't have made him have a three way with Hartley and the ex-boy wonder! Honestly, why bother caring about monogamy at this stage?"

"So does that mean we can borrow him for a night?" Harley asked excitedly.

Selina yanked her by the pigtail so that Harley was receiving the full strength of her glare. "Keep your hands off my man if you don't want your rooms filled with the stuffing of a thousand decapitated stuffed animals and forty gallons of herbicide respectively."

"Ow-ow-ow! Okay, geeze!"

Selina got up and stalked towards the door. "Oh, and make me a copy of that video."

Ivy smirked. "You got it sister."

* * *

><p>As Len was standing by the bag pick up at the Gotham airport, he once again questioned the wisdom of hopping a plane to meet a former friend (whose friendship with him had spectacularly ended when the man had sicced the Feds on him) for a blind date with a woman he'd been reluctant to identify. This was James Jesse after all. The original Trickster, the biggest non-Speedster pain in the ass Len had ever met. Even if they weren't on each other's shit lists, the trip might have been a bad idea.<p>

But, well…Angie retired with the clap (Len, miraculously, was clean) so it had been awhile even since the last date he _had_ paid for.

So he collected his bag of hazardous materials that had been disguised by some gadgets he'd won off of McCullouch in a poker game, caught a cab, and went to the address Jesse had given him for what was sure to be a memorable night.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8:**

Selina was sitting on the couch in the living room wearing baggy sweats and eating ice-cream from the carton, watching the video of the boys' threesome on her laptop and feeling more disturbed than turned on this time. Despite the frenzy from the sex pollen, there was an unmistakable tenderness in James' demeanor regarding Piper. She was starting to feel threatened, and that troubled her.

She was _not_ that emotionally invested in James, dammit.

Harley skipped into the room, miraculous considering the Jimmy Choo heels she was wearing with her trampy red cocktail dress. She abruptly stopped when she spotted Selina on the couch.

"Hey lazybones, get ready! We're s'posed ta be leaving soon! You're not wearing that to the restaurant, right?"

"Harley, we're not still going on the date."

"Why not?" Harley asked, looking crestfallen.

"Because I haven't seen James since Ivy essentially raped him. I doubt he's up for it."

"But-but…_STRIPES!_" Harley yelled. "_ARE YOU TOO TRAUMATIZED FOR THE DATE?_"

"Nope." James appeared in the doorway, looking like sex on legs in a blue suit that (mostly) didn't clash with his yellow tie. "I'm ready when you are Pussycat."

Selina gaped at him. Something about men in suits…she couldn't help being a little turned on.

"Kitty…get moving!" Harley whined.

"Alright, alright!" Selina finally unfroze. She shut the laptop and ran off to get dressed.

"So hiya Stripes. You're looking dreamy tonight," Harley trilled.

"Why thank you. You look nice too. So…is Ivy less pissy about this double date thing yet?"

Harley laughed. "Don't worry, she's not gonna come after you again. I had a talk with her about it, and I think I almost convinced her I'm okay to date without getting fixated again."

"Alright, cool."

"So who'd ja fix me up with? What's he like?" Harley asked eagerly.

It was moments like this that made James Jesse grateful for his years as the Trickster. If he were just an ordinary conman, he might not be able to mask his discomfort in such situations (then again, if he were just an ordinary conman he probably wouldn't be in these situations).

It's not that he thought he was doing something wrong, fixing Harley up with Len. He genuinely liked Len, despite the Rogues War and how complicated things had gotten thereafter. Even though he was a crook, Len did have a set of morals that he (mostly) stuck to, much like Piper and Trickster when they'd been villains. Basically, Len was a much nicer person than he let on, and James was one of few people who'd noticed.

And to his great surprise, James had warmed up to Harley immensely in the time he'd been living with the Sirens. The girl generally meant well, she liked to keep things interesting (she liked video games)….she just had terrible, _terrible_ judgment.

He didn't think there was much of a chance of the two crooks hitting it off though. In fact, there was a good chance they'd get pissy and take it out on him. All this was a pro for Piper. He'd never once asked James to do something this awkward.

But Selina had boobs, and boobs counted for a lot…

"Stripes, you okay?" Harley asked, bringing him back to the present. "I asked about my date and you zoned out on me."

"Sorry Harley. Lingering after effects from Ivy's prank. It gave me a lot to think about. Uh, right, your date. Yeah, I called a guy I used to work with when I lived in Central-"

"Oooh, was it the Weather Wizard? He's cute!"

"He is?"

"Yeah! Oh-oh! But don't one of them Rogues guys have a sexy accent? Is it him?"

"Sexy accent? You can't mean _Boomer-_"

"No, not him. He's a creep! Hmph. I thought one of them…"

"Oh, wait. Mirror Master's Scottish. You mean him?" James asked.

"Yeah, Mirror guy!"

"Sorry, I don't really know the new guy. I was friends with the old one." And he'd be all kinds of creatively murdered if he invited McCullouch anywhere near Piper.

"Oh. Well it's not the cute one, and it's not the guy with the accent…" Harley frowned. "Please tell me it ain't the diet Mr. Freeze with the stupid glasses."

"Uh…"

Harley turned the pout-of-doom on him.

"Hello? Is anybody here? Jesse?" Len's gruff voice reached them from the front hall.

"You didn't even try!" Harley yelled.

"Hey, come on! I actually tried really hard! Len's a good guy, I promise!"

"Well I guess a promise from the diet Mr. J ain't worth much either!"

"Hey, I am _not_ diet Joker!"

Harley stormed out of the room, intending to head upstairs and lock herself in her room. However, to do so she had to pass through the front hall. And when she passed through the front hall she caught sight of Len standing in the hall looking confused, wearing a nice suit with no vestiges of his supervillain costume present, and holding a bouquet of roses.

In the absence of the parka and glasses, Captain Cold registered as a tall, stocky guy who cleaned up rather well. With the roses and the suit, he was almost even handsome.

Harley froze, staring fixedly at the flowers. "Are those for me?" She asked in a breathy squeak.

Len shifted his gaze from her cleavage and narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "I think so. You're the friend waiting for a date, right?"

She nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, that's me! And-and they're real roses and they don't shoot poison or acid or nothing, they're just pretty, right?"

"Yep. I thought you were supposed to bring dames flowers. Did I do something wrong?"

Harley grabbed the bouquet from him, inhaled deeply, and then let out an ecstatic squeal. "No, ya did it just right!" She attached herself to his side, moving his arm around her and fluttered her lashes at him in a manner she probably believed to be charming. "Harley Quinn, pleased ta meet you."

"Uh…likewise. Len Snart."

"Hey Kitty! Are you almost done yet!" Harley yelled up the stairs. Len rubbed at his ear, but didn't pull away from his bubbly companion.

James emerged from the living room and jogged up the stairs. "Let me go check on Selina. Hey Len, hope you had a good flight. See you in a bit-"

Len managed a bit of a glare before James was out of sight, but he kept his expression polite when he turned back to face Harley. "So kid, don'tcha wanna get those in water?"

"Hm? Oh, no, I'm not gonna leave these things around. Ivy'd get all steamed and then one of us might end up poisoned, or choked with thorny vines or something. She don't like people cutting flowers up. I'll just hold 'em for awhile. People don't give me flowers that are safe anymore."

"Wait a minute, Poison Ivy lives here too? Sheesh, Jesse coulda warned me that the crazy broad who kills people for harming plants was here before I showed up with friggin' flowers."

"It's okay! If Ivy gets all huffy, I'll tell her to leave you alone."

James came back down with Selina on his arm. She was wearing a skimpy black dress and looking very nice considering she'd gotten ready in under ten minutes. "Ready to go?" She asked.

"Oh Kitty, you look wonderful! This is gonna be the best night ever, c'mon!" She dragged Len out the door, and with some amusement, the other couple followed after.

* * *

><p>Piper was sitting on his bed in the guest room, using a laptop to scroll through some old pictures on facebook. Wally hadn't ever unfriended him, so he was still able to access the albums 'old stuff' and 'parties'. Obviously, since Wally's identity was secret again, he only had pictures of civilians up, but that was what Piper wanted…<p>

"There!" He exclaimed, stopping at a picture of Wally half-hugging a tan brunette man with the not-so-scary Batman's charming smile.

"Oh my God, that's Richard Grayson. Does that make Batman…?"

No. Batman _couldn't_ be Bruce Wayne. Piper had met the vapid billionaire playboy more than once through rich kid society events.

He decided to keep looking.

* * *

><p>"Hey Dude, you busy?"<p>

"Not at the moment, but-" The line went dead. Sighing, Dick set his cell on the dresser and went to the front door. Because if that happened when you were on the phone with a speedster…

Sure enough, there were knocks before Dick got to the door. "Hi Wally."

"Hey Dick." With a burst of light, Wally went from wearing his Flash costume to street clothes. They went into the living room and sat down.

"So what's up?"

"Two things," Wally said. "First, we were invited to Damian's party. Any advice on buying the tiny terror a present?"

Dick thought for a moment. "What he really wants is a shuriken set. He's been whining endlessly about how batarangs handle clumsily in comparison. However…"

"Yeah, so not showing up with shurikens at a civilian shindig. What else?"

"Uh…clothes?"

"For real? What kind of kid wants clothes?"

"He's a weird kid. He likes designer labels though, so don't cheap out."

Wally sighed. "I bet I can't afford what he likes. What about books? You were a weird kid and you always liked books."

Dick nodded. "That's probably safe. Get him the Art of War and the Dao de Jing. Give him something to think about."

"Kay. I'm gonna need you to write those down for me."

Dick got up and grabbed a paper and pen. "So what else is up?"

"Uh…Bruce was asking me for info about Piper. Dick? You okay?"

He'd almost broken the pen in half. "Fine. Any reason?"

"He didn't tell me. But um…I saw this viral video online and I think I might know what he's getting at." Wally looked damned uncomfortable.

Scowling, Dick tossed the scrap of paper with the book names at Wally, got his laptop, and sat back down on the couch. He did a search on 'Nightwing Trickster Pied Piper' and man did he get results. "Oh God. Half the Justice League alumni probably saw this by now."

"And they've told the other half," Wally agreed.

Dick glared at him. "Not helping."

"Sorry, sorry."

"It was Ivy's sex pollen," Dick said weakly.

"Yeah, uh…but why were you around that many super villains at once?" Wally asked.

"Piper's not a super villain."

Wally frowned. "He did used to be a really good guy, yeah, but…I dunno, he changed after his parents died. He wasn't the same after that."

Dick gave him a disgusted look that screamed 'would you expect him to be?'

"No, really Wally, he's not a super villain."

"He killed Bart _and _Inertia."

"No he didn't."

Wally scowled. "Look, I didn't want to believe it either, okay, he was one of my best friends, but it happened."

"I know he was there when they were killed by the other Rogues," Dick said. "But I don't believe for a second that Hartley helped. Frankly, I'm surprised you do. And I was hanging around with him because I'm trying to date him."

Wally gaped at him. "You wanna date Hartley? It's not just because he's a red head, is it?"

Dick was tempted to face palm. Although truth be told, Piper being a red head certainly didn't hurt.

"I'm trying to date him because I like him. I've liked him since I met him, back at that Christmas party you threw but never showed up to forever ago. Unfortunately, we've never been single at the same time till now."

"Oh. Well I guess I can kinda see it. You're both nerds, so…what? Are you saying you're _not_ a nerd?"

"Look, just tell me what you told Bruce."

"I told him about how I got to know Piper when we were living in New York, and that I helped him reform, but he did most of that himself. And we were besties, and that he's the Godfather of my daughter, and that things had gotten complicated and personal, and I wasn't telling him anything else no matter how hard he glared."

"And he let up?"

"Kinda. He said he could take it from there."

"Swell." Dick let out another sigh, and shut down the laptop. "Kay, I've got my own intel question. What can you tell me about Piper's friendship with Trickster?"

Wally looked at him blankly. "Look, I know James got all gay with you because of Ivy's pollen, but he's actually straight. He's got a kid and everything. I know their bromance seems really homoerotic, but trust me, you have no competition from Trickster."

"God Wally, you _really _are that naïve, aren't you?"


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine:**

"Jesse, what are you doing?"

"Pardon?" James asked.

They were just finishing up at the restaurant, having had a surprisingly nice meal. With four costumes from different rungs of the ladder of super villainy, small talk had been easy to manage, and even amusing. Every time the chit chat meandered towards dangerous territory (Joker or Golden Glider), someone present was observant enough to change tracks, and really everything had gone smoothly.

So James was surprised Len was snapping at him, up until the man snatched the bill away from Selina (the two couples had gotten separate checks).

"Really kid, you're gonna let your girl pay? I thought you had more class than that."

"Selina makes more money than I do," James whined. He was pretty sure the master thief pulled in more on a single heist than any of the Rogues did in a year, actually.

"I know caveman. Welcome to the 21st century," Selina teased, making no move whatsoever to stop Len from paying for all four meals.

Harley simpered happily, as she had when Len had held doors for her, and pulled out her chair when they sat down. Clearly small, thoughtful gestures went a long way with her.

"Caveman, gentleman, whatever ya wanna call it. I think you're just jealous Kitty."

Selina smiled at Harley, then looked James up and down indecently. "Sure, we'll run with that."

* * *

><p>"Well James, I'm sorry I doubted you. It looks like Harley and Len are actually hitting it off," Selina commented, once they'd gotten back to the animal shelter.<p>

"I know. How weird is that?" James said.

Selina leaned against him, running her hands through his hair. "Tonight's actually been a lot of fun. We should go out more."

"Mm."

Was it just her imagination, or had James edged away from her touch? She lightly raked his arm with her long fingernails, then leaned up for a kiss that should have been nothing less than smoldering, given the looks she'd been sending him for the last half of the date. Instead it was awkward and short. No fireworks whatsoever.

"S-Selina, I, um…"

"Hartley," Selina snapped.

James looked down at his wringing hands. "M'gonna go now."

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea."

Selina stalked through the front hall, where Len and Harley were still chatting, then stormed up the stairs. A moment later they heard her bedroom door slam shut.

"That was weird. I mean, I expected her to go for the bedroom, but I figured she'd be yanking Stripes up there with her. Ya think I should check on her?" Harley asked.

"I'd let her lose some steam first," Len suggested. He poked his head into the sitting room. "Hey JJ, everything okay?"

"Oh, yeah. Fine."

"C'mon kid, you're a better liar than that."

James sighed. "I'm gay for Hartley and Selina noticed."

"Took her long enough. I figured that out back when Piper was still sporting polka dots."

James gaped at him. "I wasn't gay for him back then!"

"Sure you weren't. Whatever you wanna believe." He rolled his eyes, then returned his attention to Harley. "I'm gonna get going. I had a nice time with you Harley." He took her hand and gave it a kiss.

Harley let out a little squeak. "You, um, ya don't hafta get going if you don't want. I mean, we could go upstairs…"

"No thanks. Good luck with the dating thing though. Sweet girl like you's gonna make a guy really happy someday."

Harley's face fell. "You're not interested in me?"

He shrugged apologetically. "No chemistry. Sorry."

Harley frowned, then dazedly went upstairs.

James was staring wide eyed from the doorway. "She wanted to sleep with you. Just so we're clear, you just turned down sex with a gymnast. Len, did you really just turn down crazy clown girl sex?"

"Look, Harley's a sweet kid, but that's the problem. She reminds me of my little sister."

"Oh." Now that James thought about it, Harley even looked a lot like the Golden Glider. "Yeah…no chemistry then."

"Exactly. Night JJ. Good luck with the whole gay thing."

* * *

><p>Bruce was stuffing goody bags with the same look of intense concentration he wore while mixing chemicals, when Selina knocked on his window. He set the party favors down and let her in.<p>

She spared an incredulous look at the goody bags.

"Damian's birthday."

"Oh."

Then somehow she was simultaneously wrapping her legs around his waist, tangling tongues, and unzipping her catsuit all at once.

"S-Selina?"

"Sex, now."

"Well alright then."

* * *

><p>"Hey Piper, can I crash with you tonight?"<p>

Piper narrowed his eyes. "I still haven't come to a decision. Please don't rush me."

"I'm not trying to rush you, it's just that Selina kicked me out of our room and it's kinda late to make other arrangements. I'm probably moving out tomorrow."

"Selina threw you out?"

James stepped aside to give Piper a view down the hall, and waved an arm to indicate the pile of his things heaped in front of Selina's bedroom door. "She butt dialed me too. I'm pretty sure she's having sex with the scary Batman."

"James, I'm sorry."

"It was inevitable. She noticed how I feel about you. I just didn't expect her to flip out like this."

Piper frowned. "I don't think it's a good idea for you to sleep in here with me though."

"Yeah, I guess not. G'night Piper."

James sighed, then went to sit down next to his stuff and think. He decided to wait for Selina to get back, apologize profusely, and maybe he'd be allowed a pillow and a blanket.

Then Harley skipped by with a pint of ice cream in her hand a spoon in her mouth. "Hey Stripes, you okay?"

"Selina and I broke up."

"Oh. I'm gonna get another spoon. You look like you need this more than I do. Hey, do you need to crash with me tonight?"

James shrugged. "Sure." Why not?

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Piper started packing a bag. If James was getting thrown out in the morning, then the ladies probably weren't going to let him keep crashing at their place. But considering the love triangle he'd somehow become the focal point in, he didn't want to head back to Keystone just yet. He'd probably have to get a hotel room.<p>

While he was tossing things around trying to get organized, one of the rats jumped on his cell phone. It started dialing the Not-So-Scary Batman. The rat jumped again and set it to speakerphone.

Piper quirked an eyebrow. "You know, picking out clothes is one thing-" He abuptly stopped chastising the rat, since Batman picked up and he only wanted to look so crazy.

"Hello? Piper? What's up?"

"Hey...I, uh, haven't picked yet, so it's not that," Piper said quickly.

"Damn. Okay, still no pressure. So what's new?"

"Right, um, I'm not going to be staying with the girls starting...as soon as possible, actually. I'm packing now."

"Oh. Did something happen?"

"Yes..." Piper wondered if he should tell him. Oh the hell with it, he was _Batman_, he'd figure it out on his own anyway. "Selina and James broke up. Doesn't look like the best of circumstances, so I'm expecting as his guest I'll be thrown out in the morning with him. But I don't want to head back to Keystone until we've sorted things out."

"You know, I was wondering who B-er, Batman had in there with him tonight. Sounds like Selina's here for a rebound."

"Yep. James mentioned being butt dialed."

Not-so-scary Batman's tone was guarded for the next bit. "So Trickster's single then?"

"Yeah, I guess he is."

"Damn. I seriously thought I was winning by not having a girlfriend. Look, Piper, if you need someplace to stay, I can at least take care of that for you."

"Oh, I couldn't impose like that." Especially not from the Batfamily.

He seemed to pick up on the source of Piper's reluctance, at least, based on how amused his tone sounded. "It's alright, I've got a couple of my own safehouses that the others don't use. It's a boundaries thing, we've all got places we go where we won't get hassled by the others. Besides, the other Batman knows I'm attempting to date you."

Piper tried to sound casual. "Does he seem to...mind?"

"Can't tell, actually. But I think you guys would get along, actually."

Piper sincerely doubted that. "It's very kind of you to offer, but I still think I'm best off getting a hotel room instead."

"Okay. Well, let me know where you end up staying."

"I will. Bye." Piper hung up, and then glared at the rat who was sitting up expectantly, obviously wanting a treat. "Well, I guess the conversation wasn't that bad." He handed the little guy a yogurt drop and resumed packing.


End file.
